Couples in Quarantine (Finding Time to Connect When Constantly Together)

If you live in Manila you have gone through 119 days of quarantine by the time this was published.  ONE-HUNDRED-AND-NINETEEN DAYS.  That is one-third of the year.  Four months of trying your best to stay home, interacting only with the members of your household; working from home, completely disrupting your old routines; setting up new safety and hygiene measures; and watching all the Netflix, Amazon Prime, and iMovies you deem worthy.  Perhaps you’ve also taken an online class, started a fitness program, learned to bake bread, or started an urban garden.

Another challenge some couples have taken on is the challenge of being together while constantly together. Why? Because it is easy to take together-ness for granted. Being under the same roof 24/7 can make couples believe that quality time is happening, when unfortunately for many, quite the opposite has happened. Many people have taken the extra time of not having to deal with traffic jams, having fewer errands to run, and keeping social obligations at the barest minimum as a time to catch up on the many things on their bucket lists, and on social media have marveled how staying home all the time have made them more productive than ever. BUT this is also the perfect time for taking a break, taking things slow, and doing nothing, or doing something with your someone.

For couples who are starting to feel like they’ve gotten too busy or disconnected–quarantine or no quarantine–we can offer the following tips:

• Create your own rituals

Though taking all the extra time to further some of your personal goals is a good idea, be sure to also further your relationship.  Start rituals together with your partner.  If you’ve always wanted to learn to bake, why not bake together?  Love coffee?  Share that afternoon cup with your partner gadget free.  Take an evening walk and talk about each other’s day.  These little rituals will help strengthen your relationship.

• Appreciate each other once a day

When constantly together it is easy to forget to appreciate your significant other.  Do little things that show them you love them.  Send a text across the room.  It’s a cute and welcome reminder of how you used to text when apart.  Make each other a work playlist, so even if you’re both working from home, they can listen to something you made for them.  And practice relationship-building intimacy everyday. Kiss for six seconds and hug for ten to get the oxytocin flowing!

• Make spending time together a priority. Schedule it first.

Before you schedule the next class, check in with your significant other and see what their schedules are like.  It’s a good practice to check in and schedule activities with each other first, making your relationship and time together a priority.

• Come up with a code word 

Couples need to establish a sense of exclusivity so that no matter where you are and who you’re with you can establish that “just us” feeling.  Even though you’re both home most of the time, you may be surrounded by family or other people.  Come up with a code word that you can say so that you are reminded that there is a greater home between the two of you.

• Set goals for your relationship

One good way to make sure your relationship stays solid is to be committed to constantly growing and constantly improving as individuals and as a couple.  Take some time to talk and set goals for your relationship.  What would you like to accomplish individually, and how can you support each other in these dreams? What would you like to achieve together, and how can you both put in work towards it?

• Take a trip down memory lane

Every once in a while, pull out your phone albums, and look at photos of the early days of your relationship.  It’s a fun little task that will remind each other why you fell in love, and both give you that warm fuzzy feeling.

• Find the best ways to communicate with each other

All the time you have together is a good chance to come up with a system of resolving conflict respectfully.  Talk to each other about the best ways to go about feeling of anger, and how to communicate your wants and needs.  Make it a point to understand your significant other’s point of view, and learn how to read their non-verbal cues.  Remember, as your partner changes, these might change too, and so it is a good practice to check in on them this way every couple of years.

Throughout this challenge and even when constantly together, couples need to remember and remind themselves that they are a team. If both individuals anchor themselves to their relationship, and put it first, then not only will they always be able to connect and reconnect, but they are likely to enjoy a happy and harmonious life together.