Should you raise boys and girls differently?

Gender-differentiated parenting exists whether we realize it or not. It has been cited that 88% of moms treat their sons and daughters differently, even when they think they shouldn’t, and that mothers tend to be more critical of their daughters than their sons. (Miami Herald)

These differences begin at an early age. A 2000 study done by New York University revealed that mothers tend to overestimate their sons while underestimating their daughters, specifically when it comes to physical ability. In the study, the ability cited was crawling. So even at infancy, mothers already see their sons differently. A research done by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, showed that parents are two times more likely to do a Google search whether or not their sons are gifted versus their daughters.

This continues as the child grows. A study published in 2014 tracked how parents give their children praise and feedback and how it affects their development. Boys are more often praised (or receive more praise) for the process, strategy, and effort they made, allowing them to develop a growth mindset. Because of this difference, girls tend to attribute their failed attempts as an inability. Specifically, this type of praise accounts for 24% of praise boys receive and only 10% of the praise girls receive.

In a 2016 article in the Miami Herald, writer Laurie Futterman wrote: “There are long-lasting and serious repercussions of gender-based parenting. Girls tend to carry parental disapproval into adulthood and are more self-critical than men, who often have a more relaxed attitude when it comes to making mistakes and moving past them. Boys often grow up thinking that they somehow deserve more freedom than women, and that women need to be taken care of.”

Furthermore, children—regardless of gender—naturally observe their gender roles as they grow. They see the differences in what mothers do and what fathers do, and they mimic or follow what they believe to be expected of them. They also naturally follow their parents’ beliefs. If parents show differences in how they treat their children, siblings will naturally treat each other accordingly.

None of this is any parent’s fault. Like our parents, we are products of our upbringing and generation. However, as parents, we always have the opportunity to consciously change our behaviour and break the cycle, so to speak. We can make it a point to be fair with our children. We can encourage our girls to try and achieve physical prowess as much as their brothers, encourage them towards math, science, and leadership roles, and let them do “boy things.” In turn, we can encourage our boys to be open about their feelings as much as their sisters, point them towards the arts and communication skills, and let them do “girl things.”

Choosing this is especially important as our children begin to interact with the world without us. There is hardly a society that will treat boys and girls with complete equality. However, we can consciously equip our children to treat their peers equally and with respect regardless of gender. To borrow from the cliche of being the change you want to see, we as parents can nurture children that will create the change we hope for both genders.