Visit our Canada siteby Sab Jose-Gregorio
I found out I was pregnant in August 2020, about 5 months into the pandemic—brief enough to hope for better days ahead but long enough to know that I ought to manage my expectations. After all, we had been through enough permutations of the letters M, E, G, C and Q. All signs were pointing to a very bumpy road ahead (pun intended).
There’s nothing quite like finding out you’re pregnant. With your heart beating out of your chest, hands still shaking from seeing two lines on a stick, you’d be hard-pressed to find a word to describe the experience. In my case, finding out amidst the uncertainty of the times took my heart to opposite ends of the spectrum—joy, frustration, anticipation, anxiety, even guilt. There I was, on the cusp of a massive change, bursting at the seams with excitement and yet racked with guilt for wanting to celebrate this little miracle when people around me were losing loved ones to a deadly virus.
For obvious reasons, much of my pregnancy was spent in the discomfort of masks, shields and protective gear. On off days, my pandemic pregnancy felt incredibly isolating. I pined for a semblance of freedom and normalcy. Prenatal appointments and tests, including the much- awaited ultrasounds were all conducted without a husband in the room, much less a hand to hold. Moments to be had (like finding out the sex of our child) occurred in the most anticlimactic of ways. I told my husband we were having a boy next to the hospital elevator, where another father-to-be applauded when he overheard me whispering “It’s a boy.”
On the flip side, these were some of the happiest days with my husband as we took turns reading books, poring over safety manuals, assembling furniture, cooking meals, exercising and spending countless hours together in the safety of our home. Not all were spent in merriment (blame the pregnancy hormones and lockdown fatigue) but these were priceless moments nonetheless. The WFH set-up also allowed for me to get a glimpse of the kind of father he would be. In turn, it also gave him a front row seat to the changes and challenges that came with pregnancy.
As with many other moms, my pregnancy was shared and celebrated in the digital space. Baby showers were still aplenty thanks to Zoom and the creativity of my friends from school and theater, the latter having as many as 30 participants doing improv games for more than an hour. Overjoyed as I was to see everyone’s faces, it was still a sad reminder that this was all we could have for a while—online gatherings and not much else.
The timing and circumstances of my labor and delivery were crucial, to say the least. Hospitals kept changing regulations and protocols in light of the surge of cases. As it happened, I was alone all throughout my labor and delivery. Although I was allowed to keep my phone with me throughout labor and the stressful turn of events that ensued afterwards, I do wish I could have had my husband with me as a familiar face and grounding presence. Nevertheless, the moment I laid eyes on my baby and felt his warmth on my chest, nothing else mattered. He was mine and I was his.
Looking back on the experience, I realize that having my son in the middle of a raging pandemic may have just been the very thing that saved me. It may not have been how I envisioned bringing my firstborn into the world but it is a story worth owning and telling in the future. Cradling him at a time like this may sometimes feel like a gamble of fate but it can also feel like hope in the palm of my hand.
I watch his chest rise and fall and I am reminded that life is beautiful, that life goes on—and that the best of times can still happen amid the worst of times.
About the author
Sab is an actor, writer and the Marketing and PR director of The Sandbox Collective. She received her Master of Fine Arts degree in Musical Theatre from the Guildford School of Acting, United Kingdom. A graduate of Ateneo de Manila University, Sab also pursued her postgraduate studies in Marketing at the Ateneo Graduate School of Business.
Recent theater credits include Lungs, Eto Na! Musikal nAPO!, Grease, Shrek, Peter Pan, RENT and The Wedding Singer. During her stay in London, she appeared in Carrie the Musical, GSA Showcase (Shaftesbury Theatre) and Spilt Milk (The Other Palace).
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