The Psychology of In Laws

Marriage and motherhood often has its unexpected twists and turns, but one aspect of it that so many wonder after–prepare for it, but unsure of what to expect–is the relationship one might have with their in-laws.  Perhaps, not surprisingly, due to it being an almost universal issue, many psychological studies have been done about in-laws.  What doctors have found is that, like many conflicts, communication and understanding can be key.

Starting with the obvious: why do so many people not get along with their in-laws or have less than chummy relationships with them?  Interestingly, the answer is biological.  University of Cambridge psychologist, Terri Apter, revealed that 60% of married women reported having a stressful relationship with their mother-in-law, very often boiling down to mothers being protective of their sons.  When a mother sees someone without a genetic link to her have influence over those that do have a genetic link, they immediately become suspicious.

Mothers can be suspicious of women with influence over their sons while wives can be frustrated at how much influence a mother may still have over their spouse.  It’s a classic power struggle.  Perhaps mothers that are not yet mothers-in-law can somewhat relate to their mother-in-law when their own child begins listening to their friends more than to their parents. 

Psychology Today relays that the relationship a couple has with their in-laws is an important or “key determinant” of happiness in a marriage.  That factor alone makes trying to get along with one’s in-laws something every married couple should take seriously.  So what’s a married couple supposed to do?

The same study presented by Psychology Today gave this first piece of unmatched advice: spouses should be united with and support each other in the face of in-laws and one’s own parents.  When a clear boundary is established and set–making sure this isn’t done aggressively and at no time is anyone asked to pick sides–parents and siblings-in-law can see that the marriage comes first and that the couple is happy. The dynamics can then change for the better.  After all, who doesn’t want their child or sibling to be happy?  (Unless, of course, there is a situation of emotional abuse or toxicity.)

A second piece of advice is: being empathetic and understanding.  Spouses should create a safe space where they can openly communicate–not complain–about what hurts them and how they feel.  Being empathetic can not only make marriages stronger, but it also equips a person with an understanding of what they need to do for their spouse in front of their parents.

Many of those who have been married for the long haul have this final recommendation: let things go.  In-laws are also the people that have raised and love the person they love, and just because they have their differences does not mean they are wrong.  Doing this allows spouses to support the relationship their significant other has with their parents, making the marriage and the relationship with the in-laws that much easier.

Is anyone else affected?

It is important for mothers (simultaneously daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law) to understand that it’s the grandchildren who lose if they don’t find ways to live in harmony.  Children are very impressionable, and the visible strain in a relationship between two adults they love and respect can put a strain in their relationship with those adults too–very often the grandmother.  

A study in the Journal of Family Issues showed that the greatest predictor of the strength of a relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren is the relationship those grandparents have with their children-in-law.  That means mommy or daddy not going to grandma’s house (and it isn’t because mommy or daddy are sick) can leave a big impression on a child and how they view their grandparents.  Children should see the adults in their lives getting along–even if it’s just formalities.  This will affect how they view the world and in turn help them shape their world.

Conclusively, everything comes down to the importance of family and how it affects the next generation.  Given a bigger picture and an understanding of where both sides are coming from, getting along with one’s in-laws should be just a little bit easier.