How Your Sex Life Changes Post-Partum (And how to get it back!)

Alright, you’ve had a baby.  Your nights are sleepless, your days a little hectic, and you spend every other second thinking and anticipating the baby’s needs.  Even just one baby is overwhelming.  Add older kids to the mix, your work obligations, your extended family, keeping the house clean, and you don’t realise it until you’ve realised it, but sex has been on the ultimate backburner and it hasn’t happened in.a.while.

Though it is likely that you and your partner anticipated not getting to have as much sex as you used to do, it is quite different to live it.  Sure, you prepared yourselves for the six-week no-touch rule after childbirth, but were you really mentally prepared for the after?  

Postpartum, your sex life changes in almost one of three ways.  The first is the “wanting to but being too tired to” way, which is very common when you have an infant.  The second is the getting into it, but getting interrupted, which can happen when one has an infant, a toddler, or even older children.  The third is just not wanting to and being confused by that.

None of these are out of the ordinary, but each one of them can be disheartening.  After all, you used to be a sexual being, right?  You were sexy once!  So what has changed?

First, know that you are not alone.  Plenty of parents share the woes of a diminished–often non-existent–sex life.  A study in the UK showed that approximately 68% of parents rarely get to having sex regularly with the most regular being around once a week if at all.  Yet sex is important in a relationship.  It keeps couples happy and connected, and when couples are happy the children are happy. 

The biggest change that happens postpartum is forgetting that fact: sex is important.  Beyond procreation, sex allows us to connect with our bodies and to connect with our partners on a specific level of intimacy.  Sex also gives us pleasure, making it a very good stress reliever and method of releasing feel-good hormones in our bodies.

So how do we bring it back when it seems to have gone?  We give it–and the significance of it with our partners–importance again.  Consider these methods:

• Say you want it

The first step is, of course, communication.  Talk to your partner about your concern over your sex life.  Tell them that you want more of it, and discuss how you both might be able to work towards making that happen.  Remember, you both have to be happy with what is being asked of you and the other.

• Create anticipation

This one is one that men have to listen to: foreplay doesn’t happen just a few minutes before sex.  Foreplay can happen for hours and days before sex and well before the bedroom.  It can be built up through naughty text messages, little pinches and kisses here and there, a glimpse of lingerie, and more.  The more you build it up, the more exciting it can be.

• Experiment

Sometimes sex can become rutinary.  You know what he likes, he knows what you like, and while those things still “get the job done” it can begin to feel like your weekly trip to the grocery store.  Try experimenting with different positions, different techniques, or different places.  A lot of the exciting moments of sex is the exploration.  Don’t stop exploring your partner!  Trust that there are things you haven’t discovered yet! 

• Leave your bedroom

A change of setting is a good way to spice things up.  It’s also a good way to get away from interruptions!  If one of the issues pinpointed is interruptions from kids, then book a hotel room or a staycation for just the two of you.  Much like maintaining a steady date night, scheduling an intimate weekend once a month can also help keep sex more regular in your own home!

Note: While sex is important, equally important is intimacy. Sex is physical intimacy, but there is also emotional intimacy, mental intimacy, and spiritual intimacy, which all contribute to the deepness and happiness in a relationship. Cultivate each type of intimacy in order to maintain all the other types!