How Involved Should Your Parents Be With Your Newborn?

It’s official!  You’ve made the announcement and now your families know you are expecting a bundle of joy!  You’re excited to have a new baby, and your parents are excited too.  As you begin to plan and prepare for your baby, your parents are very likely to begin giving tips and advice.  After all, they’ve done this!  They raised you!  Some couples may find, however, that some of the advice does not fit with how you thought you’d be raising your little one.

First, it’s important to remember that parents are always coming from a loving place.  They want what’s best, and–sometimes–they think they know what’s best.  Before any friction happens, and definitely well before the baby arrives–or even before you tell your families–talk to your partner and agree on how you intend to raise your child and how involved your parents will be with your child.

Here are some scenarios to consider:

1. Can your parents tell you what to do? Feed them, for example?

Feeding can be a big issue because once the baby has started eating solids, they are sitting up and are more active, and now more people can be involved in their feeding process.  Many a parent have become incensed with their own parents or their in-laws for feeding their child something they didn’t want them to eat yet (such as sugary foods) or they were still monitoring for allergies. This is a sample question for many many different aspects of your parenting, such as what to do when they start teething, how to put them to sleep, the best way to clean or bathe them, and the list goes on.  

1. Can your parents tell you how to discipline them or take the role of disciplinarian?

This is important. Did you enjoy how you were disciplined growing up? Or would you like to do things a bit differently with your child? If you feel your parents’ system was effective and you wouldn’t mind their having a hand at disciplining your child as well, then this is fine as long as your spouse agrees with the system too.

1. Can your parents tell your spouse or partner what to do?

How comfortable is your spouse with your parents? Does s/he respond well to their advice or instruction? Or is s/he more independent and enjoys making their own decisions? It can truly frustrate a spouse if their in-laws are telling them what to do with their own child, but some spouses welcome the advice. Discuss this issue with your partner before the baby comes, and once the decision has been made, make the decision clear to both sets of grandparents.

Why take all of these considerations?  In some cases, grandparents might shift from giving friendly advice to taking over the rearing process.  Too much control can become toxic and make a couple feel like they are not in control of their parenting.  This is especially true if you find your parents’ style of parenting a bit old fashioned.

While it is nice to have your parents help and babysit when you need a night off, make it clear where the boundaries are.  Especially if you and your partner have decided that grandparents are there to enjoy the baby and not raise the baby.  Setting these boundaries early will help everyone live in peace, and it will allow your baby to be naturally close with their grandparents, and build a happy relationship that can really enrich their lives.