Conscious Parenting: Boundaries and Connections

In the fourth episode of Mommy Mundo’s MomSchool Series, Kit Malvar-Llamas talked about creating the balance between boundaries and connections.  In every stage of childhood, conscious parenting asks parents to actively listen to what their children are really communicating and look inward for the best response to one’s child.

To begin her talk, Kit did a recap of the three previous MomSchool events, many of which tackled how the various “issues” parents believe they have with their children are actually moments for parents to parent their own inner child and attend to their own unmet needs. She then moved on to discuss boundaries and connections between parents and children, highlighting that it is important for parents to have boundaries with their children, but likewise it is important for parents to respect and uphold the boundaries their children set for themselves.

Respect of these boundaries, listening, and introspection give parents the opportunity to create and build real and meaningful connections with their children.

As in every MomSchool event, Kit answered participants’ questions after her talk, giving each question enough attention and time for parents to ask follow ups in the chatbox. With plenty of questions flooding in, however, she was unable to answer them all, which is why these have been compiled for the Mommy Mundo readers and dedicated Mom School students.

Q&A

What should I do if my 9-year-old son already has a crush on someone? 

Kit’s answer:

Ask yourself:  How do I feel about it?  Is it bringing up any fears?  Is it bringing up excitement?  Where is it coming from?   He is just having a crush – an admiration for someone else.  Not good. Not bad.  It just is.   Having a crush means he can acknowledge “beauty” outside of himself.  As parents, we need to train our minds not to go too fast into the future by allowing the “what if” to come in.  Stay in the “what is”.  

In line with that, what are the changes (the physical and emotional states) in your child when he is talking about his crush?  Just witness and notice. No judgment. Be neutral.  Create a safe space where he can talk about these big feelings with you.   No advice. No lecture. This opens up a wonderful opportunity for connection. 

Remember, when there’s any fear present – you are not in the present moment.  You are already in ego and going to the future.   Stay in the now and let your child have a full experience with his feelings.  You are there to create a safe space.  

 

 

My question is my daughter is so talkative to the point that even when no one is speaking to her she will answer the people around her. How do I explain to her that she shouldn’t be so talkative?

Kit’s answer:

A “weakness”, most of the time, is actually a strength that may just be applied.  Your daughter’s ability to talk is a strength that just needs some calibration.  We get too scared when our children don’t talk.  When they talk we also get annoyed that they talk too much.  So the question is:  When do you think it is “too much”?   If it’s triggering a feeling inside you, its most probably tied to a past experience. Perhaps you grew up with someone who is very talkative and you were prevented from speaking up, or perhaps you felt like you were not heard and seen because there was always another person who would steal the limelight or your air time.   Your daughter may be recreating that emotional charge within you.   

What is your daughter actually saying during these times?  What do you think she needs from you?   Watch your facial reaction and tone when she’s talking.  Are you seeing your daughter or is your inner child recreating the story in your head about the past situation that may be preventing you from seeing your actual daughter now?   

How are you when you want your point to be heard?  Do you also talk a lot?  Practice not talking and going on verbal detox.  Embody how you want your daughter to be.  Modelling is still the best teacher.  

 

 

My 10 year old is very emotional. When we ask her what is wrong she is always blaming herself. Sometimes she says she wishes she hadn’t been born the eldest. I’ve tried talking to her about this, but nothing really changes. What is the most effective way to deal with this?

Kit’s answer:

Perhaps your daughter feels a lot of pressure being the eldest child. We have a tendency to put more responsibilities on the eldest child, asking them to act like the second parent to the younger ones. We sometimes forget that they are still a child too.  Acknowledge her feelings without reasoning out or without denying her feelings. You need to just connect with her.  

Practice the F.E.E.L.  METHOD

Freeze:  Check in with yourself. Are you or your husband also the eldest?  You may be expecting her to behave the way you behaved as the eldest without realising that you have set these expectations.  Remember, she is her own sovereign being.  It doesn’t mean the first child needs to have “more” responsibilities.  She is only 10 years old.   Developmentally,  they can only take care of themselves at this age, and technically, they’ve only been “independent” for 3 years in terms of their brain development.  So, when she is in a state where she feels like there’s too much pressure, acknowledge that she is feeling that way and be there for her. Just connect with her feelings. Don’t put your own thoughts and feelings and opinions in the equation when you talk to her.  Freeze your own emotions.  No words from you. Just listen to her.   

Empathize: Mirror her feelings and her tone without judgment.  Hug her, embrace her, cuddle her like she’s not yet an adult with responsibilities, but just like a 10-year-old who needs a lot of affection without any conditions.   

Educate:  Just be curious.  Ask her:  when do you feel like it’s too much? Don’t be defensive. Just gather data. Create a language with her so that when she’s feeling that something is too much, she can just give you a code word without explanation (i.e. “Bingo!”), which means she needs a break and you as the parent will also need to step back and evaluate. 

Let Go:  As soon as you have talked to her about this, don’t keep  bringing it up.  Just notice and observe her, and re-calibrate every so often to see if your agreements are working or not working, and then co-create solutions with her.  

 

Since we are working from home, how do we set boundaries for them to respect the time that we need to have for work when they are so clingy and want attention most of the time?

Kit’s answer:

How old are your children?  Boundaries need to be age appropriate and developmentally-appropriate.  

You will need to have a family meeting and talk about the rules that you need to manage everyone’s spaces and times. If they are below 7 then you need to create conditions at home so that they have their designated areas where they can be, and have what they need and who they need. Remember to prioritize the following:  safety,  food, hygiene, homework, play, rest, and support. Make arrangements with your partner, scheduling different pockets of time in which one of you will be in-charge of the kids for that block of time.  Just like with work, there’s an OIC on the floor at specific times.  You’ll need to co-create these with your children and walk them through how a day would look, giving them possible  scenarios to practice and role-play what they can do in certain situations and what to avoid doing. Don’t forget to explain WHY.   

 

My 3-year-old son is a shy boy around others. At home, he is playful and energetic, but with other people he is quiet, hides his face, and wants to be carried all the time. Last year, we enrolled him in school for the summer and he did not like it. We recently enrolled him in a play school, but because of the pandemic they closed and offered online classes instead. We tried the classes one time, but he did not participate and just ran away. How can I improve my child’s social interaction skills?

Kit’s answer:

He is only 3-years-old, and developmentally, they are not yet able to sit down to do online classes.   This age requires active play, and their brain needs it!  No need for social interaction yet. They are still getting familiar with their own bodies, with you, and with his family members.  You are the only important pivotal role that he needs now.  

 

How do we deal with exhaustion?

Kit’s answer:

All parents get tired. REST.  Check your quality and quantity of sleep;  How is your mental state?  Practice meditation and quiet time.  You’ll need to notice and trace where the root of exhaustion is coming from as well. Writing it down and seeing patterns can help in designing a rest routine for you. Breathe. Mindfulness. Movement. Nature.   

Catch Kit in September for the fifth session of Mom School, and read more about conscious parenting the recaps of the previous sessions, here.