The Advantage of Tantrums: What to Do & What Not to Do

Tantrums, that frightening behaviour that comes suddenly and often leaves just as quickly as it arrived. They turn a happy and content baby into a chaotic ball of anger and noise. Interestingly, tantrums tend to happen with parents. This is because the child feels safe with their parents, and so they feel safe enough to express their feelings in a chaotic and sometimes destructive way. 

In the previous article, techniques were provided for teaching a child emotional intelligence through their tantrums. Parents need not wait for the tantrum, however, to begin the lesson on management of emotions. The lessons can start early on by preparing the child and helping them anticipate how they might feel. Consider these two techniques:

• Walk them through the day

Children can have tantrums when they are uncomfortable or are put in an unexpected situation. A young child, without being able to identify it will be frightened by the change. To avoid this, a parent can walk their child through the events of the upcoming day, telling them what to expect. This is a good step in the management of emotions. When a child can anticipate what comes next, they can also adjust their feelings towards it.

• Establish a routine

Another good way to avoid tantrums is to establish a good routine for the child. Similar to preparing them for the day, when a child knows what they can expect, they can navigate better–both intellectually and emotionally. Parents should just be ready to mix up the routine every now and again so children can also learn to cope with the unexpected.

Just as important as helping a child anticipate emotions, parents also should keep in mind what behaviours will be counterproductive to their child’s tantrum and development of emotional intelligence.  Below are three of the most common methods of dealing with tantrums that aren’t the most ideal:

• A “time out”

A very popular method of dealing with tantrums is the “time out,” and while it may teach a child that tantrums have consequences, it doesn’t teach them how to manage their emotions or any aspect of emotional intelligence.  It also only makes the child feel isolated or alone, which is counterproductive because it potentially causes a division between parent and child, making it more difficult for parents to connect with their child in later years.

• A distraction

Some parents deal with tantrums by distracting their child. They either show them a favourite toy, a new toy, or begin a new activity so that the child will stop lashing out.  While this method can be effective–and in emergencies is a good trick up a parent’s sleeve–frequent use of this method avoids the emotion the child is feeling and any chance of them understanding their own feelings or taking any steps towards managing them.

The distraction method is effective if a parent is able to use it before the tantrum happens.  Often, parents know when their child is about to misbehave because there are cues.  Distracting a child early can help, and it gives the parent a chance to talk to the child about the situation and how the child might be feeling.

• Bribery

Promising a child a new toy or candy or some other reward in exchange for stopping the tantrum is ineffective on several levels.  First, it shifts power from the parent to the child, teaching the child that they are in charge.  Second, it teaches the child that this kind of behaviour is rewarded–this is not true in the real world and mismanagement of emotions often earns little reward.  Parents should opt, instead, to reward good behavior when it happens.

Through all this, it is important for parents to remember that their children are children.  Parents need to be reasonable with what behaviour their children can learn at their age, and what they can expect.  Children are constantly learning–just as parents are too!

On a final note, parents should also consider what causes the tantrum. Does a child have a tantrum whenever they are asked to do school work, such as reading?  Sometimes tantrums are a clue to learning difficulties that are ideally addressed as soon as possible.  Parents should always try to talk about the feelings causing the tantrum, and decide–with the child–how best to proceed.