The Advantage of Tantrums: Emotional Intelligence

For many parents tantrums are dreaded events.  A child starts to whine and cry, maybe even kick and scream.  They are defiant, resist being pacified or appeased, and in some cases they lash out in their frustration and anger.  It is difficult for parents to witness and manage, and–when it happens in public–it can be embarrassing.

Parents can take comfort in knowing that tantrums are a huge part of their child’s development.  Tantrums are as natural as a tummy grumbling because of hunger.  They are your child’s natural response to a need for attention, frustration, anger, tiredness, and–hey!–hunger.  But what role do they play in development?  First, language development.  Tantrums are a manner of communication for children. In many ways it is their most useful tool, a method to express themselves when they cannot express their feelings into words.  It is because of this that tantrums play their second role in development: the development of emotional intelligence.

Tantrums give parents a chance to teach their children emotions and the management of their emotions.  When a child begins tantrum, a parent can do the following:

• Identify the emotion

A parent can begin nurturing their child’s emotional intelligence by naming the emotion they are feeling.  A parent can say “I know you are frustrated because you really want to keep playing, sometimes when I can’t do what I like I feel the same way.” or “I know you are hungry, sometimes I get hungry too.”  When a child is able to identify their emotions and the underlying causes, they are better able to manage them. 

• Offer explanation and support

Following the identification of the emotion, a parent can explain to their child the consequences of continuing the tantrums and then offer support. Very calmly, a parent can say “Whining and crying is not the way to get what you want, but I understand that you need to express this feeling.  When you are ready, we can talk about what you want.”

• Teach them coping techniques

After offering support, parents can teach their child coping skills for their emotions. Parents can say: “Why don’t we take deep breaths together?”  Doing this can help your child calm down and settle their emotions so that they can talk about them.  Later in life, a child can use the same technique on their own.

It is important–and a blessing–for parents to note that tantrums typically last only three minutes. So it is quite easy to wait them out and to take each one as an opportunity to teach children emotional intelligence.  To support these healthy practices, there are also responses parents should avoid.  Read more here.