MomSchool: Conscious Parenting FAQs!

Mom School is an online parenting workshop featuring Kit Malvar Llamas, a Conscious Alchemy Strengths Coach, founder and CEO of Camp Explore, and Mommy Mundo’s Community Program Director.  She is the first Filipino coach in the Philippines certified with Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s Coaching Institute on the Conscious Parenting Method, a certified facilitator of Dr. Stephen Covey’s, “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, a Gallup certified Strengths Coach, and People Acuity certified coach and facilitator.  In every episode of Mom School, Kit takes moms and dads through the journey of parenting themselves and their inner child so as to healthily parent their children.

Three episodes later, and the questions never cease! That’s why we’ve put together some of the most common questions asked and answered below!

• If someone is hearing about conscious parenting for the first time, where do they start?

“Conscious Parenting transforms the traditional parenting paradigm from focusing on the child to focusing on raising of the consciousness, awareness, and evolution of the PARENT before and during the entire raising of their own children.  We know well that how we were raised as children greatly impacts how we raise our children but we don’t invest time to get to know these processes and patterns. In conscious parenting, we awaken ourselves to these cultural conditionings, operating beliefs, and generational patterns that we have inherited from our past that are limiting us from becoming our authentic selves and preventing us to see and parent the child before us effectively.  We get to know who is our inner child and the egoic patterns that we need to break, how to heal and integrate the inner child and ego, build the confidence and competence of the adult self with compassion so we may constantly align and liberate our most authentic selves, mind our mind, thoughts, and feelings and attune to the needs and lessons in the Now.”

• Are adult fears and anxieties rooted in the inner child? How do we resolve these issues?

“Yes, understanding the dynamics and relationships of the inner child, ego, and adult self mirrored by our experiences with our children will help us understand our fears and anxieties in the present moment. We resolve them by first having an honest assessment and awareness what are our fears and egoic patterns are, accepting and having a strong conviction that we are part of the co-creation of these toxicity in our lives,  attuning to the present moment through the practice of consistent meditation and non-judgmental mindfulness, journaling, coaching, self-talk, openness to learning, patience to change, non-attachment to outcomes and certainty, leaning in on the present moment from what if to what is.   I highly recommend going through the Conscious Parenting method of coaching,  reading, and investing in oneself through learning sessions, courses, and workshops to learn how to make more conscious choices, unlearning and breaking unhealthy patterns, and relearn behaviors and languages to go back to our most authentic selves.”

• Once a parent becomes aware of their triggers, how can we set actionable changes to overcome these triggers? Do you have some examples?

“We need to change our relationship towards feelings and triggers as neither right or wrong and instead as messengers to what we need so we need to learn to stay and sit with these uncomfortable feelings and lean into them.   We need to learn how to see the needs behind the behaviors and language that are triggering us as they inform us of what we need to change, calibrate, and give us clues how to unlock our authentic selves by identifying our unhealthy patterns .  Knowing these, allow one to be more open to triggers as a portal to growth and evolution.   Second, we need to journal about them and have a consistent practice of meditation.  Meditation allows us to create wider spaces between the external stimuli and our response as we get to mind our thoughts and separate them from us, feel our feelings but not wallow, and co-create boundaries with ourselves and the people around us.  These steps will also allow us to be flexible and not be attached to outcomes or to the routines that we have set when there are changes.

“For example, you get triggered when your child is not listening to you and you are complaining that this is the nth time that you are saying something over and over again but they are still not listening and following. First, pause.  The fact that you yourself has been repeating the same pattern and getting the same result points out that you are just in a loop too.  If we are not changing the input but expecting a different output is a pattern.  Without judgment, what is the situation telling you?  That you need to change the input.  Are you connected with yourself?  What do you need at that moment?   You”ll need to shift the vibration within you and give yourself what you need by first identifying what do you need?  Assuming you need help around the house doing chores… check also, how old are your children?   Do they have the capabilities to understand what you need in details without going into details?  Do you need to find the time to connect with them first and check in also – how are they energetically? Are they of that age that they need you to do it with them first before you can expect them to do it on their own?  What are the boundaries that you have co-created with them?   Connection before correction.  You’ll need to connect with yourself first and then connect with them before you go  to the correction part or co-creating solutions.   It needs to come from a space of neutrality and abundance and not from judgement, lack, and fear.”

• How do you control your anger when things are so overwhelming in the house, and you have children fighting with each other and having tantrums?

“We need to remind ourselves that anger in itself is not bad.  What is the need behind the anger? We need to tune in with ourselves first before we jump into “fixing” our children’s fights and/or tantrums.  We need to check the ages of our children, what they are capable of doing and how they are “acting out” these needs.  It’s good to remember the FEEL method when these big feelings visit our homes. Freeze : as the adult in the picture, we need to check in with our own state. We need to give out a neutral state and energy so we can be calm.  Physical safety is a non-negotiable boundary so if the situation is compromising safety, we prioritize this too.  So, at Freeze state – we make sure that no one safety is compromised.  If the siblings are hitting or hurting each other, we need to physically separate them and remind them about safety boundaries in a firm and neutral state.  Empathize :  get in touch with the feelings and narrate to them what is happening without judgment.   Just keep on connecting and staying close to assure them that it is a safe space.   When the situation is calm and they feel safe, it is time to Educate and process the situation. Then, we Let it Go and give them the space and time to be like children and flow.  When we have multiple children, they are all sovereign beings with their own temperaments, and needs so fighting, conflicts, arguments are part and parcel of the situation. We need to carve time for self-care then so we are coming from abundance and not lack. “ 

                                    

• How can you determine whether or not you are guiding and not controlling your child?

“When the energy and vibration is in “flow” then we are guiding.   Controlling gives a resistant energy with a lot of negative frequency of frustration, disappointment, criticisms as these are all indicative of control and unmet expectations.  When we are guiding, we are setting the healthy boundaries and giving our children the ample space to lead us.”

• How do you help your child discover their own path without projecting your own unmet needs? What age should you start doing this?

“Since conscious parenting is really about raising our own inner child first then ideally, even before we have our own kids, we can already go through the conscious parenting method.  However, when your children are born, then, it starts as soon as they are born by reminding ourselves that they are our teachers, guru who are already whole, complete, and most authentic selves and allow ourselves to constantly and consistently enter flow by not dwelling on the past or be paralyzed by fears about the uncertainty of the future.   Conscious parenting is a journey and not a destination.  As long as we are breathing, the journey continues.”

• How do you teach your child the value of following through and finishing what they started versus allowing them to decide this is no longer their interest?

“Check in with ourselves first : what is important about this? Then, we need to check how realistic the expectation is according to the age of our children and their own development pace.   We need to have an honest assessment if the expectation is coming from our own inner child unmet needs that we are projecting to our children or is it really a concern in the now?  We will need to embody then that we ourselves have the discipline and practice that we are expecting our children to manifest.”

• How can a parent speak to their partner about Conscious Parenting and their own inner child issues?

“First, clarify our motivation for speaking to our partners about Conscious Parenting.  Actions speak louder than words.  The more we embody this then we can wait for our partners to be curious about it and ask us.  If our intention is to change them then, we are setting up ourselves to frustration.  We can share with them about it without any expectations and judgments then that will be the best teacher and influential factor.  When a student is ready, a teacher will appear.”

• How do you find time to meditate when you’re all together in one small space? Do you do guided meditations?

“All you need is really just yourself so not much space is needed.  When starting the practice, you can work with a few minutes spread throughout the day.  Even just one minute every top of the hour is good.  Celebrate your small victories but we need to be pro active about it.   Guided meditations are helpful while starting the habit then, eventually, your body can go to the rhythm and cadence of staying on your breath even while you have your eyes opened and by mindfully doing things – eating, folding the laundry, cooking, working.”