Conscious Parenting Recap: Drop the Shoulds!

The first weekend of December saw Mommy Mundo’s Community Program Director, Kit Malvar Llamas, deliver her last MomSchool session of 2020.  What had started as a simple class has turned into its own mini-community of parents seeking to learn about how parenting their children really means parenting their own inner child. 

In Conscious Parenting’s December session, Kit encouraged parents to “drop the shoulds” or to be aware of what expectations we are placing on our children, and how these expectations might actually be what we had expected from our inner children or from our own parents when we were growing up.  Yes, what we think should be isn’t necessarily what is healthiest or best for our children!

To stay conscious and aware, consider these reminders when thinking in the way of should.

• There is no such thing as a bad child. 

Very often, parents become frustrated and overwhelmed when their children are “naughty” or are “being bad” or “just can’t behave.”  Remember, children are children and when we see their behaviour as “bad,” they are very often just expressing emotions.  Instead of focusing how they should behave, ask yourself: What are they really trying to tell me? 

• Parenting is about learning, not dictating. 

Traditional parenting puts parents in a position of authority where they get to tell their children what to do.  Conscious parenting is the understanding that parenting is a learning process, one that teaches you about both yourself and your child.  It’s about discovery and respect of sovereign beings (your inner child and your child).  When approached from a position of learning, shoulds fall away.

• Children don’t always take after their parents. 

Yes, in many ways children mirror their parents and learn behaviour from them, but in many other ways your child will be very different from you.  So just because you were great in school doesn’t mean your child should be too.  Focus on their talents and watch them shine.

• Nothing should happen. 

There is always an ideal scenario, but those ideal scenarios aren’t things that should happen.  Life is unpredictable and we constantly need to learn how to adjust, adapt, and evolve.  The less we fixate on shoulds, the more peaceful we allow ourselves to be.

So what should we do when there really are things that need to happen? (Yes, pun intended!)

• Speak calmly.

When there is something that should happen (ex. Your child is likely to fail their math test if they don’t study, so ideally they should study.)  then speak to your child calmly and explain to them why the task you are suggesting is in their best interest.

• Recognise, name, and be constructive.

In the same calm manner, recognise your child’s behaviour, name it for them, and be constructive with your suggestions on better behaviour.  For example:  “I see that you are putting off studying for your math test.  It might be because you’re nervous?  Sometimes studying can be fun when you turn the activity into a game.  Do you want to try?”

• Teach them how to make amends.

There will definitely be times when your child does something they shouldn’t do. (ex. Yell at their grandparents.)  After you understand the source of the behaviour and explain to them why it is hurtful to others, teach them how to make amends.  Making amends can be tricky and sometimes dependent on the recipient of the atonement.  In this situation, you will know how best to navigate and assist your child.

• Encourage good behaviour.

On the other hand, when your child exhibits good behaviour, praise them and tell them how much you appreciate their current behaviour. The more you do this, the more inclined they will be to behave in such a manner… in the manner that–dare we say it?–they should behave!

Kit Malvar Llamas is a Conscious Alchemy Strengths Coach and founder and CEO of Camp Explore.  She is the first Filipino coach in the Philippines certified with Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s Coaching Institute on the Conscious Parenting Method, a certified facilitator of Dr. Stephen Covey’s, “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” a Gallup Certified Strengths Coach, and People Acuity certified coach and facilitator.

Catch the next Conscious Parenting session on Google Meet by following Mommy Mundo on Facebook and Instagram, and staying tuned to Mommy Mundo Events!